usually i don't have nightmares. in fact, i am what is called a "lucid dreamer" where in most instances, i can control the outcome of my dreams, although it's usually only when i find myself in some kind of jeopardy, otherwise i just let things go as they may [ for instance, say, if someone is coming at me with a knife in a dream, i can conjure up some way to protect myself, from being able to fly away to producing a weapon to defend myself against them. it's weird ]

but last night i found myself having the first nightmare that i've had in months, and it scared the crap out of me.

i was driving with my mom in her old car, a hyundai pony [ shaddup! haha ] and it was wintertime, and i could tell it was cold outside the car, the exhaust from the cars in front of us was white, like smoke. we were talking [ i'd mentioned seeing an item in a store that was interesting, and she'd asked me what i was doing in that store ... pretty bland conversation ] the sun was shining brightly and everything was white and gray and the roads were salt-stained.

then, we go up this enormous incline, one more like a roller coaster than a road ... and i made some comment like "ooH! i love this hill!" and we're going up and up and up, like as high as a sky scraper, and all of a sudden there's this big gust of wind and the car is shaking but up ahead of us we see that other cars are being blown off the top of the hill and they're falling and spinning and crashing down to the ground and i'm like "Mom! stop! Pull over!" but she doesn't, and we get to the top of the hill and i can see other cars, some that have blown over but are just sort of hanging in limbo, like another gust of wind and they'll drop, and i can see the people inside screaming and waving at passers-by for help, and their faces are blank and petrified, like they're doomed and they know it and there's nothing that can be done for them, and we start going down the other side of the hill, and then this big gust of wind comes and we're turning over, sideways, and i look over at my mom and she's got her eyes closed and the most creepy, serene smile on her face, like she's happy we're going to die.

that's when i wake up, and my heart's pounding and i look at the clock and it's exactly 3:33 in the morning and then i roll over and i guess i kicked a rawhide off the bed and it made the LOUDEST noise and i was completely FREAKED OUT.

i lay in bed and couldn't stop thinking about it, thinking about that smile, like she knew we were going to fall off of this "track" to our deaths, and like she was relieved about it ... i got up and went out to the living room and smoked alone in the dark until i was calm again, and when i went back to bed i couldn't turn the light off right away, i just lay there cuddling violet and hoping that the dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach would go away.

i have no idea what this dream means, but when i close my eyes i can see every detail about it as if it was a memory and not a figment of my subconscious.

i want to find my friend Denis. back in 2001 he moved to montreal, and no one's heard from him since. we've even called his mother and asked her for information on where to find him and she didn't even know ... so if anyone reading this is from montreal and might be able to help me find him, i would greatly appreciate it ... just email me and i will tell you everything i know about him ... i don't even know where to start!

Later ...

i was just absent-mindedly chewing dead bits of skin off my fingers while thinking about this lingo problem i was having and then the solution hit me so i start coding away and i'm typing and typing and then i look down and notice that when i was chewing off bits of my fingers i made myself bleed and now there's blood all over my keyboard and mouse, and i'm the only one at work and haven't the foggiest clue where the band-aids might be and i couldn't stop the bleeding so i ended up taping a hunk of kleenex to my finger with scotch tape.

*sigh*