i've been an emotional freak lately ... i would have to say that i can pinpoint the moment this started back to the first friday in November, where i was invited by one of our clients to this corporate lunch with my co-workers. i felt completely isolated and out of place at this lunch. NO ONE would talk to me, or even cast me so much as a sideways glance. i found myself thinking about what possibly could make me seem so unapproachable ...? I'm a friendly person ... i mean, so what if i have piercings ...? or dress all in black?

perhaps i am being paranoid about this ... this may not be the reason that they weren't giving me the time of day at all. maybe i was paranoid about the whole meeting before hand and it caused me to tense up, and project "standoffishness" ... whatever the case, these two gruelling hours corporate smoked-salmon and sculpted napkin hell have caused me to become deeply depressed and introspective. when i go out, i drink myself into a stupor. when i stay in, i lay on the couch in my own filthy mess. i don't clean my apartment. i eat junk. i am gaining weight again, but the only thing i am doing about it is wallowing in it.

i need to get off my ass and change my life, and i know know know that this should start with me finding a new job.

but i have no motivation to put my portfolio together. partially because i am a lazy procrastinator. but also partly because i don't think that i want to work in this field anymore.

there are many reasons for this. one: i don't think i am any good at it anymore. i've been doing so much corporate crap where everything is fucking gradients and drop shadows (god forbid anyone wants to try anything new, or contemporary) that i think that's *all* i can do now. two: it's a pre-requisite for bosses in this business to be asses. just ask anyone in any kind of media production. they're pricks, and they never, EVER appreciate the work done by designers. EVER. three: my eyes are getting progressively worse, and so is my posture. i spend WAY too much time with my face a foot and a half away from a glowing monitor. they're bad enough to begin with, i can barely see five inches away from my face without my glasses or contacts in. at this rate by the time i'm 30 i'm going to be a blind hunchback. four: it's just not fun anymore. everything i design is the same. i never get to be creative, the clients ALWAYS pick the simplest, most boring "done-before" designs. i am beginning to forget why i decided to do this in the first place.

so what are my choices now ...? well, i can do what spike suggests, that it's not my "career" i hate per say, but where i am currently in it. which is the equivalent of NOWHERE. he thinks if i work somewhere else, that my love for design will be re-kindled. this may be true, but from what i can see between him and my other peers looking for work, the market is slow right now. like molasses.

my other choice is to start all over. and if i do that, where? doing what? will i have to go back to school? what DO i want to do ? what would make me happy? i haven't got the slightest clue.

tonight i am going over to spike's to start working on my portfolio. i think he's sick of seeing me mope, so he's trying to motivate me to get a move on changing my life, which i appreciate.

i just don't think at this point, it's going to make any difference.