i am debating -- and have been for a long time -- with myself about whether or not i want breast implants. it's not like if i *did* decide "yes! i am ready for bigger tits!" that i could go out to a plastic surgeon and get a pair tomorrow ... i am pretty much eating cup-o-noodles for every meal at this point in my life, and breast implants are just ... well ... basically a little out of my budget.

my debate goes like this: i covet a certain type of body. what does this mean? it means i am not satisfied with my current body. why? i am not sure. for quite a number of reasons, really, but breasts are just one of them. would i be a happier person with larger breasts? maybe. would my boyfriend love me more? probably not, but he'd probably want to touch my tits more. do i hate myself and is this why i want bigger breasts? maybe. is there anything else i can do to make myself hate myself less? probably. will this make me not want bigger breasts? probably not.

it's a painful horrible process. which is bad.

it's expensive. which is bad.

it is life-threatening. which is bad.

but why do i think about it? why do i imagine myself being more buxom? why do i want it? why do i look at other women around me in public situations with larger breasts and think "why can't I have that??? why wasn't *I* born with that?"

corona and amy think i am crazy ... and stupid ... for even thinking about it. but you know what?? they're both totally stacked. they don't know what it's like to not be able to produce cleavage without some kind of apparatus. they think i'm being completely stupid ... but what do they know about what i have to deal with? what do they know about the kind of person i am physically and what kind of person i want to be? what does anyone know about that ...?

spike likes big breasts. do i want to do it beacause of that ...? i don't know. he's expressed to me that if i really wanted implants he would help me get them, but he's also expressed to me that he didn't care. that he loves me the way i am. that he thinks my tits are delicious and awesome and that he loves them just the way they are.

what the fuck is wrong with me ..? why do i think about this? WHY do i want it ...?

argh!