first of all, i would like to thank corona, amy, jen, kila and ron for your comments on my past entries. i am sorry they were such dramatic reading, but i thank you for your support and your words of kindness. a lot of people have had many comforting words for me, and although they cannot change the way i feel, they help me to stow the pain away, at least for a little while.

i have to tell you a story about something that happened to me last night. amy came over to spend the night with me last night, and i was miserable ... for hours i just quietly sobbed to myself in my chair. stopping only to light a cigarette or smoosh my doggie. ( sometimes, i find, it helps to smoosh your doggie while you are crying 'cause tears are salty and she likes salty ) then, eventually, i got a phone call. it was from my cousin, who i grew up with my entire life ( we're very close in age ) ... right away he asked me how i was doing and when i told him, he was comforting, and i appreciated that.

then i asked him how he was doing.

he took a big breath and let it all out ... he's been sick, really sick, too sick to work. his hair has fallen out, and his vision's going. he almost broke up with his boyfriend over all the stress he'd been feeling in the past couple of months, but when they did make up and move in together into a nice new apartment, one of his cats got out on the balcony and fell seven stories. it died.

i couldn't fucking believe it.

here i am sitting in my sorrow chair, with hardly enough will to move, having everyone around me trying to convince me that it's not the end of the world, that everything is going to be okay, and I've been scarcely able to believe it.

but my cousin is going through HELL ... real pain -- not just the emotional kind -- real suffering, real loss. i got off the phone and told amy all about it. i grabbed my doggie and smooshed her little tummy. i stopped fucking crying.

and i've hardly cried since.

i hope that things get better for my cousin really soon, he deserves to be healthy and happy ... and it sounds like he's got a good thing with his new fella.