2003-08-06 - 4:30 p.m.

getting worse

people keep telling me that over time, that i'll feel better about this breakup. that i'll heal, that i'll develop into a stronger, more independant person.

but how ...? i mean ... i still love him ...! how does that all just go away? how does it "fade" with time? when will my feelings of rejection "go away"? when will i stop being haunted by the mistakes i have made as soon as my eyes close, or my thoughts have a moment to themselves?

i didn't cry until i got home from work yesterday. i walked in the door and violet ran expectantly up to me and i just dropped down onto my knees and cried and cried and cried. i gave her a cookie, and cried while i did it. then i rolled a joint, went into the bathroom, sat on the floor and smoked it until the tears dried up, and the half-finished paint on my walls started to look like smears of blood.

then i got up off my ass. i went to make myself a really strong drink, and though that i was fucked up and numb enough, so i just had orange juice. turned on the television and lay there, watching talk shows.

dr. phil came on.

normally i don't like doctor phil, but this particular episode caught my eye. it was about drama queens, and it confirmed to me what i had always kind of known but kind of didn't want to face.

when something goes wrong in my life, for some reason i feel intense anxiety in my chest, like now, it just HURTS so much inside me. i cry and cry and cry.

this drove spike crazy

i complain and complain about my life ... i do things to get attention ... stupid things, embarassing things. i never do anything to put myself in a better situation, like find a new job. or take care of my money, or my body, or anything.

this is what drove spike away.

i love him, and i made him leave me because i am a huge, superior jackass. all i can think of in my head are all the times that i acted like a big sobbing baby, or an insecure freak.

if i hadn't let myself act that way, we'd still be together, 'cause without that, we were good together. but now i've fucked that up.

and i feel like i am going to regret it for the rest of my life.

HELP ME

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