first i guess i'll start with the big news, and that is that spike and i are back together. this kind of started with the night that we got together and hung out for the first time since the breakup, and went to the Cadillac Lounge for drinks. that night was amazing. the entire time all i could think about was how awesome it was to hang out with him again, and how sexy he looked, and the whole time i was just reminded of how much i missed him, what i loved about him, and it hurt, 'cause it just made me think of how much i wanted him again.

but at the same time, i sensed some feelings from him then, too ... like he was flirting with me. i sensed that he was seeing me in a different light, and even though all i would allow myself to think about was the fact that we were going to be friends [ anything else just hurt too much ] there was a tiny voice in the back of my head that kept thinking "he's interested ... he wants you again ..." this voice was fueled by little things he kept saying to me, comments about how much he'd felt i'd changed, and the fact that he wanted to hang out with me again the next night. then the following day he emailed me non stop ... and even though for the most part it was us teasing eachother in a "friendly way" i still sensed an undercurrent of flirting ... and he'd asked me if I wanted to come to his house on that sunday [ this was all during tuesday and wednesday ] and hang out with him just the two of us ... watch movies ... and for me to bring violet, 'cause he'd really missed her.

all of this left me horribly confused ... all i could think about the entire week was how much i loved hanging out with him, and how much i would love to be with him again, and my thoughts were also set aflame by the fact that he seemed to be dropping all of these hints to me ... i didn't know what to do.

then the night that we'd gone out to celebrate corona's birthday, things changed. i hope she doesn't get mad at me for saying this [ spike doesn't read this anyway ] but over a dinner with her, amers and i, i had expressed what i'd been feeling about him to them. i couldn't hold it in anymore, i told them all about how i was dying inside because of the feelings i was having about spike, and how it sucked 'cause if i let myself get my hopes up about the whole thing, i was just going to get hurt again. i asked their advice ... what should i do about this ...? i told them i was thinking of avoiding him for a while, letting myself calm down so that i could get over these feelings, and we could just be friends.

well, corona started positively squirming in her seat. i begged and begged for her to tell me what she was thinking [ expecting it to be her telling me that she knew how spike felt, that he'd moved on and even though he had liked the idea of us being friends, that he wasn't interested in anything more than that ] and after i pushed and nagged and pushed some more, she burst out with it: that spike had been positively miserable without me.

apparently the weekend before he'd seen me again, they'd all travelled up to London to see spike and scabby's parents ... corona said spike was downcast the entire time. he hardly ate or spoke, until one night he'd had a bit too much to drink and had become extremely emotional [ this is very much unlike the spike i know, who has always kept his emotions very very tightly in check, even while drinking ] and wouldn't come in from sitting on the porch outside. she confessed that she'd spoken to him for hours, and pretty much all he could talk about was how much he loved me and how he'd made one of the biggest mistakes of his life by letting me go and that now he'd thought that it was too late, 'cause i'd moved past him, moved on, and we were done, in the past, and chances of reconcilliation were gone forever.

corona spoke with him for hours, and what she told him came down to one thing: that he needed to talk with me ... communicate with me about his feelings, let me know what was going on in that complicated head of his. she told him if he ever wanted any kind of chance of being with me, or just being friends with me for that matter, he was going to have to do the one thing that we never really did throughout our entire relationship ... SPEAK to me about what was going on inside his heart, communicate with me, OPEN UP to me.

she'd also told me that since we'd actually seen eachother that his feelings for me -- as i had expected -- had grown. that he was falling in love with me again, and was going to talk to me about it. i just about died when she told me, 'cause it had confirmed all of the things that i had expected ... he WAS flirting with me ... he WAS entertaining thoughts of us getting back together. i was completely flabberghasted, and excited.

side note: afterward, when spike and i actually *did* get a chance to talk to me, he confessed all of this to me as well, so corona is pretty safe from any kind of retrobution ... no worries ...

after she told me all of this, i could have flown to the moon ... i was so happy that i was positively wiggling in my seat. i had decided that i wasn't going to approach him about any of the things that i'd learned from corona, but that she'd suddenly given me a licence to do completely flirt with his ass, and that's exactly what i'd planned to do, i was determined that that night he "wouldn't know what hit him" and that in a subtle but not-so-subtle way i was going to let him know that yes, i was interested in being with him again, too.

well, my plans were kind of foiled ... well ... kinda.

after a bit of shopping and getting ready, we all met up that night at the Bovine, to celebrate with corona. scabby was there with the birthday girl, who was looking absolutely stunning in a new boob-flattering red shirt and eyes that were thickly lined with black eyeshadow and red glitter. spike was there, too, looking [ and smelling ... mmmmmmm ] as sexy as ever. some very cool people, melissa, steve, and their friend adam, that corona had met through an online diary met us there as well, and throughout the evening others we knew had drifted in and out for drinks as well. the music rocked, the people rocked, we were having a great time ...

... until we decided to take the party to the Zen Lounge.

don't get me wrong, i had essentially what you could call a good time there, and i know that corona did too 'cause she was drinking and dancing her little tushie off, singing at the top of her lungs and having the time of her life.

but unfortunately, there was an "element" at the Zen Lounge that completely interrupted my plans for the evening, a skeezy, dirty skank that is always at that club, who for some reason -- which was unknown to me -- was positively hanging off of spike. she would not leave his side, and she cast dirty looks at me every time i stood with spike. whenever spike and i were trying to talk, to be alone, she would swoop in and interrupt us, and whenever i left spike's side, she would drag him off to another part of the club. i was livid about it, and a little confused. the entire time spike kept shooting me these looks, kind of like "i'm sorry" looks, but i would just shrug at him and tell him that "he was a free man, and he could do whatever he wanted" but inside i was very hurt and angry.

at one point in the evening, i had gone to the washroom to fix my makeup, whatever. The Skeeze walked in with one of her friends, whom we'd always called "Platterboobs" on account of the fact that she's got these huge sloppy tits that are always propped up to her chin in some kind of nasty corset. the came up to me, stood on either side of me. this is what happened:

Skeeze: Hey Lex! Have you met my friend [ Platterboobs ]?
Platterboobs: [ holding out her hand ] I think we might have met, but i never remember people.
i shake her hand and smile Me: that's cool, i never remember names, either.

and that was kind of it, except that they started whispering behind me. suddenly, The Skeeze starts flailing around in the bathroom. she's pounding the walls with her fist, and at one point she actually kicked a hole in the wall. i kid you not.

Platterboobs starts shouting at her, saying something like "why do you always have to be such a sociopath!?!?!" and they storm out together, giggling. it was the most fucked up thing i'd ever seen ... but i kind of shrugged, finished washing my hands, and left the bathroom, only to find Skeeze hanging off of spike again. i decided to ignore it and dance my face off.

well to make a long story short -- TOO LATE -- at the end of the night, spike cornered me. told me he wanted to talk, and confessed to everything that i'd already mentioned here. said he wanted to give us another try ... his eyes were full of tears as he told me that he truly did love me [ something i barely ever heard from him while we were together ] and that he never wanted to be with anyone but me for the rest of his life. i confessed to him that i felt the same way, that he'd positively ruined me for other guys, no one would ever compare to him and the chemistry that we had together.

ever since, things have been passionate, exciting, fun ... he tells me he loves me and appreciates me all the time ... and even expresses affection to me constantly, in public even! it's been like a dream come true, and this time, for real, i am never, ever letting him go.

well ... that's pretty much been my life in a nutshell for the past couple of weeks, getting re-aquainted with spike, talking out all of the things that went wrong with us before, and how we're never going to let those things happen again, and *knock wood* i hope they never do.

i am happier than i've been in a very long time. i really, really hope that it will last.

but there was just this one thing ...

last friday, i met with my friend mat for lunch ... we'd been kind of seeing eachother and i thought it was time for me to tell him my intentions of getting back together with spike, which i really didn't want to do -- i didn't want to hurt him, at all ... he's the sweetest, most gentlest person in the world and he's already been through enough hurt in his lifetime -- and after it was over, i came back to work, emailed spike and told him all about it.

that's when spike "dropped the bomb" ...

... that he had slept with Platterboobs while we were apart.

my heart sank ... all the hopes and dreams that i'd had about us being back together were dropping out of the sky in front of me and crashing into flames. i was hurt, dismayed, confused, and disgusted. this girl is seriously nasty, and way way way beneath him ... i didn't know what to do. i made him tell me everything about it, and he did ... when we met later that night, we talked more about it. it was very emotional, and i could see in spike's face the regret and sorrow he felt about it. he said to me "i had to tell you" which spoke volumes to me, 'cause i think when he did tell me that he knew that he was risking everything, but felt that if we were going to have a relationship where communication was going to rule over us, that he had to tell me about the whole mess. i won't get into details about it here, but it was one of those things for him where he'd reached a very very low point in his life, and was feeling so desperate and alone, and the little bitch just swooped in and drank it all up.

i decided i wasn't going to let it stand in the way. that sure, it was a big, nasty mistake, but that he truly regretted it and that i was going to be a "bigger person" and move on about it. besides, i saw so much potential already for us to be great -- no ... fucking awesome -- that i was going to let it go.

but there is still one thing that really burns my ass, and that is that whole "fiasco" in the bathroom.

a) obviously Platterboobs had "known" me ... she didn't know at this point whether or not i knew about her and spike -- i didn't -- but why act like i was a complete stranger ...?
b) Skeeze's roll in the whole thing ... i know she was also interested in spike, it was obvious by how she was hanging off him, flirting with him. what was her deal in "introducing" me to the girl that he'd fucked while we were broken up ...?
c) what was the deal with the kicking the hole in the wall ...?

i feel "punked off" and manipulated. i don't know what to think about the behavior of these girls, but i do find myself to be extremely angry about it, now that i know about Platterboobs' roll in the whole thing. they're immature little bitches who's lives run on drama [ they come to the club to fight and cause shit with other people and within their own circles ... all the time, like a couple of high school kids ] ... and i don't know what to do about it. spike thinks we should just avoid the Zen Lounge -- the only place we ever see them -- from now on, but i say fuck that! i've been going there since before these sluts were of drinking age, i'm not going to let their antics push me out.

i find myself thinking of ways to get "revenge" on them ... but then i tell myself that if i do do something, that i'll just be sinking to their level, which i don't want to do.

i tell you one thing, though ... next time we do go to the Zen Lounge, i'm going to act as if i know nothing, or at least don't care.

and spike and i are going to be all over eachother, like a couple of horny teenagers -- which is pretty much how we're acting all the time now anyway -- so that there will be no doubt in these girls' minds that he's with me again.

i know that might sound petty, and immature, but fuck it. at least i ain't kicking holes in any bathroom walls.

*phew*

you happy now, diaryland naggers?!?!?! hehehe