it�s my lunch hour at work and i am sitting on the deck in the rain, not caring that i am getting wet, or cold, or anything. i am entirely numb.

last night, spike told me that he doesn't feel like we're working out anymore, and by the end of the conversation, we were done.

we'd been together two years almost, and i don't quite know how to explain how i'm feeling right now. is this a shock to me? yes and no. I guess i'd seen it coming for a long time. we lived together for almost a year and a half and although we'd had many happy times, we were gradually starting to fade, i guess. we argued more. took our time together too much for granted. kept having the same fight where he'd tell me he needed more space, more independence, and i'd tell him i needed more love, more affection, more touching, holding, lovemaking. we'd both try to accommodate each other for a whil e, but it's so much easier to just fall right back into old patterns. neither of us was getting what we wanted, i guess. if you think about it, the things we wanted from each other were sort of opposite. i guess it's impossible to "person a" more space, and "person b" more closeness, more tenderness. so i guess that brings us here, which is at the end.

i brought a lunch today, but I can't eat it. the thought of putting food in my mouth right now repulses me. the act of chewing, swallowing. it feels so wrong. i can't handle it. all i want to do is smoke cigarettes. i want to be held. i want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. i want to cry, and i haven't yet. i am so numb. tears have been filling my eyes all morning. my co-workers can see it, they can see me suffering, but they are uncomfortable with it, so they turn away. i won't let the tears fall, though. i can't. i will, and when i do let them spill, i am afraid that they won't stop. i won't be strong enough to make them.

when he said we weren't working, i kept asking him to give me another chance. but he wouldn't. he won't. and do you know what ...? i don't deserve one. i don't deserve to be loved right now, because i don't love myself. i don't love myself because i am not the person i want to be. i am a horrible, selfish, lazy person. this is also why he no longer loves me.

i have been trying to think of the good times we'd had, but it's not working. all i can think of right now is how i will now be systematically erased from his life. from his heart. from his memory. will he take my picture down from his walls? has he done it already? will he throw out all of the things associated with me? what happens when he finds my replacement? will she take my place in his bed so easily? she'll be thinner, sexier, smarter, more fun, more confident, more talented, less emotional, less needy, everything to him that i never could be.

i love him. i can't turn it off, but now that love is like a burning lump in the center of my chest. it hurts, it's like a dull throbbing ache. a constant reminder of how much i've failed.

again.

i didn't want marriage. i didn't hound him for commitment. i just enjoyed spending time with him. watching movies. going to clubs, or just out for drinks or dinner. spooning. having sex, trading sarcasm, spending time with each others' families. sitting quietly together, dreaming. being friends. being lovers.

i don't want to lose him, but what if we've had too much past as lovers to be together in the future as friends?

i am so confused. i don't know what i want, or what to do now.

or how to cope.

i just know I have to cope.

i love you, spike. i always will. i am sorry to you for any hurt i may have caused you. i am sorry for not living up to your expectations of me. i am sorry our love can't carry on. i am so so sorry. i took you for granted, 'cause now that you're gone, there's a hole in me. a hole that i have to fill myself. a hole where -- i hope -- the love i'll always feel for you can make room for a love that i have to begin to create for myself.
lex