so this weekend things are getting a little better ... had the girls over for the night on friday for beers and chinese food and �girl talk� ... on saturday i went to see my friend rocketbride at scott�s house for her birthday. i brought her a birthday begonia, which is pretty lame, but i thought it was cute ...

afterward i met up with some people from her place at savage. i was passing by on the streetcar, and for some reason i just didn�t want to go home ... i didn�t want to face the apartment alone. i dropped in, met and talked to some nice people, like leo, who is an illustrator. but every time i go into public, i come home and i find myself analyzing my behavior ... i keep thinking i was acting like an ass and that no one likes me anymore because of my obnoxious behavior. i want to call rocketbride and apologize if i said or did anything wrong, or insulted anyone or embarrassed myself, but i can�t seem to get a hold of her ... there�s something wrong with her phone.

i am probably just being paranoid. i feel like no one can stand my obnoxious personality anymore. i don�t have any clue if this is true or not ... i am craving some kind of re-assurance that i am still a decent person, but i don�t know how to get it without sounding needy or anything. i don�t know what�s wrong with me. i don�t feel like i was always like this ... i think breaking up with spike has made me question my entire self ... i mean, if he couldn�t stand being around me anymore, maybe everyone is feeling the same thing? i constantly have this �nervous� feeling in my stomach that doesn�t seem to want to go away ... i wish that i could feel better. i don�t know how to get rid of this ache.

people keep saying �in time ... in time it�ll pass ... all you need is time� but until the moment when i feel better, how do i cope? how do i get through this without going crazy with my own insecurity? how do i learn to love myself? to appreciate my own company? i have no idea how to deal with this situation ... i don�t think i have ever experienced this kind of rejection in my entire life.

my mom�s picking me up soon to go to a barbecue at her place. i just know when i get into the car she�s going to start trying to give me the �ole �pep talk� and it�s just going to get me crying and feeling miserable again. i am scared. i am scared that this feeling will never, ever go away.

deep inside, i know that it will ... but it�s kind of hard to imagine myself in a future where i feel good about myself again.